Picking up the pieces

Much has resolved since my last post.  However with each turning of the page or close of the chapter, with each section of tapestry finished you move along to something else.  There are pieces that must be brought to a finish, threads of the story or of the tapestry that must be tied in with the next section or chapter.  That is where I find myself this morning.

I have to turn the page and start a new chapter but there are still pieces of thread that must be woven into the next section.  They are hard, dark threads and doubly thick but they must be worked in.

I will tell the story here, the details are not pleasant but as I said, I must work in the threads that remain and part of that for me is the telling. Someday my children may read this and know that the Lord watched over us this day, even though the outcomes were not what we had hoped.  Someday, they may understand though most of them are too young now that the Lord let me remain with them. 

Wednesday afternoon we saw my OB again.  My bleeding had almost completely stopped.  Emotions were raw and tender.  She checked my progress and found it very inconsequential.  I didn't even dare to hope; I had seen the tests with my own eyes, watched the technicians work so diligently for some sign.  I heard the heavy silence and saw the stillness.  Carol offered a medication that would cause the uterus to start contractions and soften the cervix.   Foolish girl that I am, I asked for one more confirmation, before we forced an issue.  Dr. Hay graciously did my ultrasound and he said if I needed him to he would do an ultrasound for me every day, just for my heart sake.  The results were the same as they were five days prior.  Tim and I agreed it was time to accept what we could do.  We prayed for safety and mercy.

I started the Cytotec Thursday morning under the doctor's instructions.  Unfortunately not too much progressed.  It was a long, uncomfortable morning with some contractions that kept my attention but nothing that seemed serious. 

Our friend C.D. had called earlier in the week, I think Tuesday, and asked if she could take the kids to lunch and spend some time with them.  She arrived just before lunch to pick them and thoughtful as always brought lunch for Josiah, KJ and I as well.  KJ was sleeping.  Zachy, Judah and Bekah were excited to spend time with her and left with kisses and smiles.  As usual God's plan and his timing are good, even when things are hard.  Very shortly after she left with the munchkins KJ woke up.  I went in and picked him up, remedied his immediate needs and set him to lunch.  I felt my water start to seep.

I secluded myself just in time because I had a good contraction and the rest of the amniotic fluid gushed.  Within two minutes I had another good contraction and the baby passed.  I caught our little one easily in one hand; so tiny........

I wrapped our pumpkin in a small piece of flannel blanket I had for that purpose but was not sure what to do next.  The umbilical cord had torn away and I did not pass the placenta.  I was not having any major "symptoms".  No fever or excessive bleeding, very little at all actually.  However I felt I needed to call the OB.  My OB had told me she was scheduled to be out of town but I had forgotten.  I asked for her and was put off a little.  I remembered and told the office staff I needed my nurse or Dr. Hay.  They found my nurse and had her call me back.  I felt bad to have her hunted on her lunch hour.  I told her what happened, my condition, the condition of the baby.  She said she would see how Dr. Hay wanted to proceed.  I called Tim.  Sandy, my nurse, called back within minutes.  She said the placenta should pass within the hour but Dr. Hay wanted me to come in, just to be checked, to discuss everything.  Come in and be there within an hour.

I had no indications of any problems.  I got ready, drove in to town, picked up Timmer at work and went up to the hospital.  However, as I stood up to get out of the car I started hemorrhaging.  Within the space of two heartbeats I was standing in a pool of blood and I was completely saturated.  I tried to move aside and with another contraction followed another gush.  Tim quickly sat me back in the car and we called the OBs office.  They retrieved her immediately and she came with a wheelchair.  Tim pulled up to the front door of the hospital and we transferred to the wheelchair as soon as Sandy appeared.  She took me up through the back door of the office and we proceeded to try to get me on the table but that was also challenging.  I kept bleeding.  It is an unusual perspective to see so much blood and know that it is your own issue.  It is mortifyingly embarrassing for one; what a mess and there was not one thing I could do to make it stop or even to help remedy the disaster I caused.  More than that, however, with every gush I wonder how much is there?  How much more can I lose?

Finally we got on the table and Dr. Hay came in.  He checked my condition and then worked to pull the placenta loose with the hope that this would stay the bleeding.  It looked like it might, but he made us stay for ten more minutes as a caution.  His caution was merited because within that time it started again in force.  They brought in an ultrasound machine and found a section that had not set free in utero.  Nothing more could be done except surgery and it needed to be done urgently.  They got me back in the wheelchair as I bled, trying to give me at least a sense of propriety and took me through the locked corridors for doctors and emergencies back to the surgery rooms.

It was high paced from there out.  Things had moved quickly up until that point but they up-shifted immediately.  Dr. Hay walked with us, the nurse pushing me in a wheelchair and he got things moving.  Admissions came to my room and was handing papers while they prepped me for surgery.  The surgery nurse was able to get the IV in ONE attempt - a rare gift indeed!!!  They usually struggle mightily with my little veins AND it didn't even ram in with force that rattles the teeth.  She did a great job.

Tim started making calls for prayer and for help with various things.  Lana picked up the brunt of the jobs, coming home to talk to my kidlets.  The older two were at work and I had run from the house not leaving my phone with Josiah.  She handled not only that heavy task but also brought dinner to my crew which was a great blessing to Tim and I (and especially Josiah).  Lana's friendship is stalwart and steadfast.  She reads me far too easily and puts up with me far too graciously.  I am blessed to call her my friend.

Within probably 20 minutes they had me in surgery.  Surgery is an overwhelming fear for me; I have had few and desired less.  Yet here in the loss, the tragedy and the urgency I was faced again with those same fears.  God's hand was with me though.  While I cannot declare I had complete peace or a supernatural calm I knew my prayers were heard and that again it was time for me to lay my hopes, my dreams, yes, even my life in His hands yet again.   As I laid watching the ceiling pass me on the way to the surgery room I laid confident in the knowledge that it was God that would decide the number of my days.  I prayed for my surgeon, my anesthesiologist and then waited as they moved me from the gurney to the surgery table, strapped my arms to the boards, and started the oxygen.  The nurse to my left leaned so close to my face, her cheek pressed against mine and she whispered - your baby is with the angels, we will watch over you carefully.  The nurse to my right, just moments before I fell asleep, leaned close and assured me also.  We will watch over you, I have had to have 13 D&C procedures. 

And then I slept.  I woke 45 minutes later as they were wheeling me from the surgery room.  They had prepped two units of blood but Dr. Hay decided I was not far enough lost to need them.  I can rebuild my own; I was grateful.  They had told me it was VERY likely with the blood loss I had sustained and I couldn't even get Tim's because it was too quickly needed.  I felt God's answer to prayer.  They said the surgery went very well and very quickly.  The nurse said the procedure itself was only about four minutes long, just the anesthesia and other things necessary took the time.

Within twenty minutes I was back in my room and I saw Tim just as I had left him, waiting....... The Lord has blessed me SO mightily with my husband.  He has shown his faith this week, unbending, unyielding.  He put my needs far above his own; while I wept and slept and waited he handled everything.  I am so grateful for my husband.   He had called my parents the minute I was free from surgery.  Dr. Hay had spoken with him and told him I was free from danger, the details of the procedure, etc.  and as soon as the nurses gave him leave he was back to my room to wait for me to return.  My throat was extremely dry and sore.  I couldn't talk more than a whisper but all had gone well.

They kept us at the hospital and hour longer.  They offered for me to stay longer and rest, to eat, etc... but I wanted to come home.   I had been too long from my children and there were still other issues that needed to be addressed.  The OB's office loaned me a pair of scrubs to wear home as everything I had was completely unwearable.  It was a solemn exit from the hospital as they wheeled me out to the car. 

I am grateful for so much.  Grateful for Dr. Hays caution and wisdom to have me come to the hospital to be checked.  Things might have been so different had he not.  If I had started hemorrhaging at home what could I have done?  How frightening also for Josiah.  I had no one to drive me to town.  Tim would take an hour to get home; the neighbors were at work, the older children at work.  Josiah too young..... it would have been scary to have to drive myself........ but because of Dr. Hay's instructions I was where I could rest and find care.  C.D. had my younger children pleasantly diverted.  They enjoyed bowling and a special lunch out with our friend.  Again I am so grateful!  It would have been SO much harder had they been home and frightened.  Grateful for my nurse who cares deeply and gave us love and support.  Grateful for nurses in the surgery center who again loved on me, cared for me and understood.  I heard later one of the other nurses in the surgery ward who cared for me gave birth to two full-term stillborns -- TWO!  What a heavy cross to bear.  Yet she knew and understood my fear, my loss, my hurt and was willing to give her care to me.  Grateful for a side of Dr. Hay I had never seen before.  He and I have not gotten along well together in the past.  Yet Wednesday when he did my ultrasound and all day on Thursday he was absolutely fabulous -- very caring and kind.  I will have to work harder not to judge him too harshly.

Our Heavenly Father watch-cared over me and my family on this hard day.  I am so grateful.

We came home and my family greeted me with love and tenderness.  The little ones had many stories to tell of the fun of their day.  I held KJ and stroked his soft hair.  Exhausted and spent but home.........it was a blessing. 

Tim had built an oak box for our pumpkin and we had encouraged the kids to write their heart thoughts on it.  All of us left our love written there.  Tim had it ready and all that was necessary was for me to let the baby go.  This was much harder than I expected.  I knew there was no life.  I had caught the baby and looked carefully at this precious gift.  The small head, gentle face, little arms and legs that someday would be strong, ten fingers and toes, a rib cage, spinal cord --- nothing that was misplaced.  Yet, the pallor of death was there.  Our baby was no longer here -- the gray, pale skin instead of a bright pink hue.  The tissue which even under normal circumstances is so very delicate was completely fragile and showed the signs of the corruption of death.  Our pumpkin was maybe 5" long, head to toe and maybe as many ounces --- beautiful and so perfect. 

We asked the Lord to give our baby the name He has chosen.  We have asked him this for all our miscarriages.  I trust my pumpkin to His care until He returns my children to me in His day.

I tried to put our baby in the box but couldn't do it.   Tim held out his hand and I placed our pumpkin in his hands.  As I placed our baby there cries started from so deep within my spirit --- cries that wrenched my spirit and came forth in anguish.  All I could do was weep these deep cries.

Tim finished with the baby and we went outside to finish the task that lay ahead.  We cried and prayed.  We came inside, and I struggle.  My burgeoning womb was now empty, the physical signs of my pregnancy almost gone, and I feel as empty.  The Psalmist talks about being poured out  like water, his bones out of joint, a heart of wax melted within me, my strength dried up like potshards, my tongue clings to my jaw, you have brought me to the dust of death. (Psalms 22:14-15).  Paul also at the end of his life talks about being poured out like a drink offering - he ran his race and finished spent.  My heart echos the cries....... I too feel poured out, empty and dry.

Yet life does not stand still.   It keeps moving and demanding.  There are chores and needs and daily things that must be tended.  Tim and the kids have kept things afloat. I have been unable to do anything useful.

Our family fell into an exhausted sleep.  Four of the children camped on the floor of my bedroom to be near us.  As I lay in bed Tim and I hear Koliah talking in his sleep; he is distressed and talking of our baby that died.  Tim prays for our family's peace, and we sleep.

I woke yesterday morning still weary and spent, still unable to speak more than a whisper.  Tim confines me to sitting and "barking orders".   He laughs as we both know my whispered barks are not even heard much less obeyed.  He takes the kids to town, and I cry and then sleep.  Pastor brings us his wife's delicious cooking and blesses us with dinner.  Tim brings me home a box of nice chocolates - that man knows how much I love them :)

I wake up and my voice is a little better.  Life's circles still keep spinning.  More does that kid bringing their bouncy ways to the barnyard.  I wait..... wait to heal, wait to stop hurting, watch and wait to emerge into my world again. 

I tire easily and get light-headed quickly. 

I need to rebuild my blood.  I have been here before.  After Elijah was born and we miscarried months later they told me between Elijah's birth and the hemorrhage after I had lost too much blood.  So I feel those same things (but of course I am now almost 20 years older than the spirte I was at the time).  I will need to be more careful and work harder to heal before I take on something very taxing. 

Today is a little better.  I was able to fold some laundry today, taking breaks when I got dizzy.  I only slept a short while today (less than half an hour) and I was able to carry on some intelligent conversations with people on the phone.  Tim took Elijah and Zachy in to work Farmer's Market for me today.  They didn't do very well but I appreciate so greatly the effort.  I don't think Elijah fits the "type" for an artisan of body care products.  :0)   Friends came over today bringing meals and love, prayers and hugs..... I know that slowly my heart is mending. 

When Job is tried and the reports just keep coming and coming Job says "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away - blessed be the name of the Lord" -- I have always marveled at his faith.  I cannot say that my faith is that strong but I am more firmly committed; that I have made my choice.  He is and will be my God; I will trust in His purpose and in His sovereignty.  I will trust He knows my frame and that I am but dust.  I will choose to bless His name anyway and press into His will.  I will not lie though; even knowing that everything in the last few years has been Father-filtered it is still immensely hard.  We have lost and struggled and lost again.  I hope that this dark night passes from our family and we will see the spring buds again in the season of our lives. 

I KNOW that God is faithful and He will watch care over us.  However the night season is of no use if it does not change us.  My hope and prayer is that our season will not be in vain and that we will all come forth reflecting His character, His purpose in this time fulfilled.   So I am stretched and asked to choose and then to look into my trial and trust the Lord again.   Charles Spurgeon has a convicting quote that Nancy uses in her Faith in the Night Seasons study. 

Thou art my hope in the day of evil. Jeremiah 17:17


The path of the Christian is not always bright with sunshine; he has his seasons of darkness and of storm. True, it is written in God's Word, "Her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace;" and it is a great truth, that religion is calculated to give a man happiness below as well as bliss above; but experience tells us that if the course of the just be "As the shining light that shineth more and more unto the perfect day," yet sometimes that light is eclipsed. At certain periods clouds cover the believer's sun, and he walks in darkness and sees no light. There are many who have rejoiced in the presence of God for a season; they have basked in the sunshine in the earlier stages of their Christian career; they have walked along the "green pastures" by the side of the "still waters," but suddenly they find the glorious sky is clouded; instead of the Land of Goshen they have to tread the sandy desert; in the place of sweet waters, they find troubled streams, bitter to their taste, and they say, "Surely, if I were a child of God, this would not happen." Oh! say not so, thou who art walking in darkness. The best of God's saints must drink the wormwood; the dearest of his children must bear the cross. No Christian has enjoyed perpetual prosperity; no believer can always keep his harp from the willows. Perhaps the Lord allotted you at first a smooth and unclouded path, because you were weak and timid. He tempered the wind to the shorn lamb, but now that you are stronger in the spiritual life, you must enter upon the riper and rougher experience of God's full-grown children. We need winds and tempests to exercise our faith, to tear off the rotten bough of self-dependence, and to root us more firmly in Christ. The day of evil reveals to us the value of our glorious hope.
 
Please continue to pray for me -- I am weary and spent.  My choice is made but I must walk it out and that is hard.  Please pray for my physical healing and for not only my but my family's spiritual growth and emotional healing.  Please pray as I pick up the pieces and work to move forward.  We are walking in that night season -- the sandy dessert, the water of wormwood.  May we emerge victorious and may I hold to  the value of our glorious hope as I wait and walk.