Overwhelmed

What a week and a half we have walked.  It seems like so much longer than 12 days.  Emotions (and hormones) run in strong waves as we try to get back to walking the path set before us. 

One of my favorite scriptures is in Jeremiah -- Jeremiah  6:16 "Stand in the ways and see, And ask for the old paths, where the good way is, And walk in it; Then you will find rest for your souls."

My desire to walk in that way - the ancient paths, as some translations state, is not changed but walking it out sometimes is so hard.  Holding promises that are true when all seems impossible, not giving in to fleeting thoughts and vain imaginations as scripture says -- none of it is easy but it is necessary to find the rest God promises. 

I have been overwhelmed this week.  Overwhelmed by feelings of emptiness and grief, but also overwhelmed by other emotions equally as strong.   I have been overwhelmed as I stroke my little boy's blond, soft head and as I receive love and kisses from my little people.  Overwhelmed as my older children bring me flowers (a HUGE hanging basket from their work) to brighten my day, or as they seek to care for me by checking on me, picking up extra work so I can rest, and as they watch me with tender eyes.  Overwhelmed by gratitude for what we have been given, and then overwhelmed with what has been lost.  It has been a tidal wave of feeling and heart strings pulled to the point of unraveling. 

Overwhelmed by how weak my body is; I never thought I was wimpy.  Yet, I can't stand long enough to wash the dishes or make dinner by myself  (more than about 15 or 20 minutes).  I have to stop and sit down for a while before I can start again.  I get dizzy and tired easily.  I've spent a lot of time sleeping with KJ when he naps and a lot of time on the couch reading.  I'm slowly getting stronger, but at a frustrating pace.  I have been able to fold laundry because I can sit or I can stand and then sit when I get lightheaded.  Tim is going to take my grocery shopping today; we'll see how I do.  I only need a few things in two stores, but Tim wants to watch care over me and make sure it isn't more than I can do.  He takes such good care of me!

I have been overwhelmed by friends who won't let me hide away, who love me too much to leave me.  Friends who show up at my door with food or flowers, who call and email to give me their love and prayers.  Friends who ignore the state of my house, and who shed tears with me. Friends who say "I know you would hide or tell me "no" so I came without asking because you need me" -- Tim laughed, "how well they know you" he said ..........  How does one respond to such love and care?  I have not been loved like this by anyone besides my family.  I am overwhelmed.

I am overwhelmed with the "why" and "when" and questions.  I haven't mastered those yet.  I know where my faith lies;  I know I have to keep walking.  I know God's promises are true and that He is good and unchanging.  I know the dark night of the soul happens, but I am so weary.  It is easy to wallow in loss, the grief, and the hurt.  It is much harder to stand in an attitude of gratitude (as my mom used to say), to brush myself off and to walk in faith, leaving my questions at the cross.  I am still learning how to do that.  

I have to change my perspective; I have to choose what is right, the ancient path of faith. The only thing I really can STAND overwhelmed in is in gratitude, in love, in wonder.  I don't have time or energy to spend on overwhelming tides of grief or sorrow or doubts; those won't allow me to stand, just remain defeated.
I was smacked today with a word from Nancy Missler's study.  I posted the whole story below but her exhortation was challenging and made me say, "Okay...... Andrea, time to walk it out.  Time to learn to fly".

This book is dedicated to all those believers whose barnyards have been destroyed, and to the faithful ones who have walked, or are now walking, in darkness. The hour is late, beloved friends. It is not time to mourn our losses, but rather time to set our eyes upon heaven, spread our wings and fly straight towards the Son.


Never mind weariness, illness, lack of feeling, irritability, exhaustion, snares of the devil, jealousy and prejudice. Let us soar together, like an eagle above the clouds, with our eyes fixed on the Son. This is why the eagle is such a perfect example of this freedom. An eagle is the only bird that has a special third-eye-lens that enables him to look at and fly directly towards the sun and thus, frees him from his enemies as they try to follow. No other bird has this ability. And, it’s the same with us. Only as we keep our eyes focused directly on the Son during our ascent to Him, will we ever become free--free from our emotions, free from our circumstances, free from other people’s responses and free from the enemy’s attacks.

Having faith in the night seasons is the only answer to possessing this overcoming victory.
Let’s make our journey together...