Need to write it out.....

I have a million things vying for my attention today but I feel compelled just to sit and write --- maybe it is a need to sort my feelings, maybe seeing them in black and white, sharing with those who love me will help to somehow break the fetters weighing at me today.

I had a dream last night ……

It was a real dream, so tangible I could physically feel each sensation. I was at home and a couple of girlfriends had come to help me clean my house to bless me, as I am pregnant and slower than normal. In my dream without any warning I miscarried our baby. I sat holding its little body in my hand weeping. It only weighed about two pounds and was small enough to fit inside a standard size bank check box. I saw myself marveling at the intricate features, the delicate fingers, the tiny feet, the small eyes dark and closed, the little mouth puckered perfectly. My friends called Tim and started weeping as I told him we had lost another child. He held me as I wept and then handed me a small box to put our baby in. I leaned my head over and started sobbing.

As recognition came to me that I was in a period of awakening I realized I was physically sobbing. I couldn’t stop. I laid in bed afraid to move, afraid that it had been real – that the twilight of my recognition was not a dream but rather a remembrance. As I woke more and more from the dream into reality, I couldn’t quit sobbing. I laid in bed and started praying for the health of this new life we have been given and also heavy on my heart was someone who was actually losing their baby.

As my crying subsided I started feeling our baby moving. I relished every bump and kick of movement as peace returned.

This morning I shared with Tim my horrible dream and started crying again. It has continued to bother me all morning. What pulls at a woman’s heartstrings so deeply??? It really was even stronger than that – a piece of a woman’s soul seems attached to this life as it is conceived and develops. What work does God do that causes this strong attachment??? It is a baby I have never held, never seen, never heard, never kissed but that baby was mine. With the passing of our baby I felt a piece of my heart tear away. I have never had a dream that found me waking with sobs and weeping.

A lot of thoughts have spun in my head since this morning. I have grieved deeply for women who have walked the road and truly lost. They awoke to find it was real and the remembrance was the reality rather than the recognition of a life still growing and developing. I also have grieved for those who chose to end the life of their child not realizing the full consequences that will forever harden and scar their heart and soul.

When I was training at the Pregnancy Resource Center we read a study that showed women choose abortion, not uniformed of their decision to end the life conceived. The study showed that they knew they were ending a life but that women who choose abortion feel like a wolf in a trap – they choose to remove their leg to survive knowing that life will be harder without their limb but the need to survive being a stronger emotion. My heart weighed heavily for those women today – they couldn’t possibly know the depth of emotion or the weight of the consequences of that “choice”. Survival doesn’t seem as strong when the cost is so high.

I know this is a heavy post…… I hope my night’s sleep tonight is more restful.