Catching Up.......

Oh, I have missed blogging……


Time has flown by and left me amidst the cloud of dust.

There have been lots of days in the last couple of years where the day starts and ends before I can even acknowledge the day. That combined with not having Internet access in any room except Elijah’s, three students taking Internet correspondence classes, and his disapproval of my twilight visits to his room made blogging difficult at the least. For some reason, my typing at 5 am irritated him (can you imagine?) Facebook allowed me opportunity to post hellos, keep up with many friends, and post family information.

However my little blog gives me a place for my thoughts, my feelings and things that I would not feel comfortable posting on a “social networking” site. I have tried journaling and other things, but for me……. blogging is a fit. Now that Elijah’s computer is not my Internet access, hopefully I can start again. I really have missed it.

SO……. Where do I begin?

I thought about just starting with this month but that feels so incomplete. When I have the enjoyment of a good cross-stitch project I know that every thread plays an important part. Even colors I find ugly on their own merits are necessary to complete the picture and make the entirety of the picture really be beautiful.

The last year and a half of our lives have had some pretty ugly threads, but they also bring what is necessary. To leave them out and not share the story I think would be just as incomplete. Consequently, I am going to try and summarize and not leave a novella here that takes days to pour over but still leave here an accounting that is complete, ugly threads and all, so there is a full picture. I don’t know how I will do with this goal; you might want to take it in pieces if you choose to read this post…..sit down and reflect with me over a cup of coffee as I share the last two years events.

I do believe in my heart and spirit that God’s will and design for each of our lives is His best, His beauty, His character. He chooses the colors of thread, the thickness of them, and the overall design of our lives to further His good purpose in our lives – to change our character, emptying my selfishness, my flesh and to bring us to intimacy with Him.

I cannot share it, without sharing it all, but I will try to be brief, at least as brief as possible. :)

Immediately after I last posted, Elijah did indeed go on his amazing hike. I forget exactly how many miles they ended up logging. They didn’t get as many in as they had hoped, something like 75, which is completely crazy, but they did get over 50. They were working around wildfires and other issues that had them changing their original route. Elijah enjoyed himself IMMENSELY; he relishes in those types of adventures. I think he is nuts!

Josiah also left that week for his first solo venture at Boy Scout Camp.  He had a great time.  I tell you though it was COMPLETELY weird to have my boys gone.  I pulled out four packages of elk steaks the day they left thinking I would get maybe one or two meals out of them.  I didn't use any more meat the rest of the week.  My grocery bill was greatly decreased :)

Shortly after they both came home, Patrick, Jennifer, and their boys came to visit.  They popped in to see us on their way to their new post in WA, maybe I should say a return to their old post?  Anyway.... it was great to see them.  It had been too long.  I had never met Riley and they had not met Judah, Bekah or KJ.  We enjoyed some time at Hauser lake and at the local pool/water park.  It was wonderful to have an opportunity to catch up and get to know their boys a little.

The last day of my brother's visit Josiah and the older two went on a bike ride and Josiah did a flyover on a gravel hill.  The result was a broken ankle and casting........ the orthopaedic doctor told me he was suprised I hadn't had more broken bones in my house with all my boys being so outdoor minded.  It seems like WAY too many to me!  I was still paying off Zachariah's broken arm!

Daddy came out to visi just after my brother left.  How I love my dad!  He is absolutely the best.  I enjoy his visits tremendously.  We made all kinds of memories with the kids doing this, that and like Pooh-bear says a lot of nothing too.  We played at the park and visited the museum and just was WITH G-Paw.   His visits are always too short!

September ushered in KJ’s first birthday and a most marvelous surprise! Ken and JR came to visit. How I enjoy those two rascals!!! Their visit was short – they only stopped on the way to Canada for gyoza, a Japanese dumpling which I had never, ever heard of before their trek to the perfect gyoza restaurateur. They timed their visit perfectly, although not purposefully, to coincide with KJ’s birthday so the day they came was very full. We hiked out to the bay past McMasters in the evening. I made pie (a MUST have when they come to visit!). I enjoyed every minute.

As September ended, we found ourselves engaged in a battle. To be totally honest I had no desire to enter the battlefield, but I was kind-of pushed. However, the more we found out, the more we realized we could not sit idly by. The Helena Public School Board was trying to sneak through a “Health Curriculum” (that term is NOT a real representation) that would be mandated in all the Helena Public Schools. We do not have our kids in public school for so many reasons, and in full truth I felt like it didn’t affect me or our kids. It just added to the reasons why we DON’T have our kids in the public system. Why should I become involved?? Yet, I ended up at a school board meeting regardless.

As things came out, there had been an election to the school board that was unexpected. A Mormon gentleman was elected that no one had expected to win. From there out things were exposed and the community became very involved. I read through some of the curriculum outlines and things and was thoroughly outraged AND I was convicted. Whether my children ever sit in a public classroom or not children should never be exposed to the filth and perversion that pervaded the curriculum they planned to implement. SIECUS and Planned Parenthood had worked together to create a curriculum painstakingly dedicated to the corruption of a child’s innocence. Wow, you just gotta’ love those guys don’t ya’?

Why is it necessary for five year olds to start learning medical terminology and functions for body parts? What happened to learning A-B-C’s and playing jump rope, imagination, fairytales, cowboys and Indians for Pete’s sake??? Young, VERY young, children were being taught the marvels of homosexuality and various sexual “preferences” and by the time students were ten years old they are being taught how to use “objects” in sexual intercourse. TEN YEARS OLD! It continued on from there to pornographic art in high school. REALLY?!?!?! What a valuable use of tax dollars – a systematic perversion of our community’s children.

Hundreds of parents showed up at the school board meetings in opposition to the curriculums implementation. There was of course a small percentage of parents who testified that a teacher is more capable of knowing what a child needs to know than a parent is (REALLY!?!?!), and that we needed to trust the school’s objectives for our community’s children was for the best. Thankfully, not too many bought that charade.

We attended the meetings with so many others; our high-school age children also attended. We wrote letters and made phone calls. Why did the school need to take this subject from parental authority and put it in a school system already struggling to make ends meet?? Should not the priority of the school be a solid, classical education first? The school board would not listen. They passed the curriculum through anyway. Worse yet, the curriculum was created to be weaved into all their major courses of study so it wasn’t even a class a parent could “opt-out” on religious or moral objection. There was a “opt-out” given to parents but the reality is they would only have opportunity to remove them from the “health class”. They would still receive the information throughout their day in the regular course of study. I was flabbergasted at the school board’s decision; their arrogance and boldness. I was also grieved deeply by the parents who fought valiantly but after they lost seemed to just concede. It was such an unrighteous decision.

I was so upset – even now my blood boils – but what more could be done? Tim went to work the day after the board’s decision. He came home and had an idea………. Maybe parents just don’t understand the options available to them? Maybe we could host a symposium on educational options? I told him it was a great idea and that he should ask our pastor about it. Tim did; Pastor was excited too. Tim came home and said, babe, you know I am going to need you to organize this right? Hummmm….. I hadn’t figured that into this bargain. Again, it was time for me to stretch.

I started by contacting a group of parents that had organized the community against the curriculum. The main facilitator of this was the wife of the Mormon gentleman who had been elected to the board (whom I mentioned earlier). She had been on the front lines of the battle since its beginning. I also contacted the Montana Family Foundation and churches to help us get going. I explained simply Tim’s idea – we offer parents an opportunity to view ALL their educational choices in one place – kind-of a one-stop shopping experience. The response was good and they all threw in with Tim and I to get the Education Options Symposium off the ground.

It was an intense five or so weeks. My family went with lots of lame-o, pre-done box type dinners and dirty laundry days because I worked non-stop with the others on this project. The Lord threw open all the doors for us – the fairgrounds which is usually rented out for months and months in advance even had an opening on the weekend we needed it. It was really remarkable to see God’s hand guiding our steps. I sent out a plea to the home-school community and they responded en masse, which is what I had hoped. The private schools got behind it full swing, and all of them participated. Correspondence schools and on-line academies jumped in. Curriculum companies sent reps and product. We bought alternative choices for “health curriculum” and presented them to the school board for approval or for parental use. Thanks to my new friend’s quick thinking we also had public school options represented for changing districts and other ways to get children out of the Helena school’s curriculum choices. We lined up speakers that spoke on educational choice and the benefits of their particular leaning and panels that did Q&A sessions for parents. In the weeks prior we printed posters, handed out flyers, and posted things in local businesses. I was really stretched as we made TV and radio appearances. My “appearances” thankfully were local, even the TV appearance was a cable station but my new friends did national spots on FOX and anywhere else they could get attention on this issue.

In the course of the two-day symposium we experienced a HUGE winter storm that dumped snow across our state, but still people came even from surrounding counties. We counted somewhere around 700 people that came through the symposium over the course of the event. By the end of the weekend and the insane weeks leading to it I was exhausted.

The home-school State Board of Conventions had members that attended the symposium. They asked if I would organize the Montana State Home School Convention. I said yes (I blame my decision on insanity and exhaustion just for the record).

Adding to my joy (and exhaustion) we found we were expecting! Another baby would join us in July (must be our month since we have FOUR birthdays in July already :0)  )

Life goes on though, as it always does and boy did my life need attention. Hunting season in full swing, Timmer and the older three hunted hard. I worked hard at catching up the laundry and the accumulated mess. Thanksgiving came and went and Christmas loomed rapidly ahead. I was looking forward to a slow period, recovery time…….. it was not to be.

As we made Christmas preparations and enjoyed the fruits of a successful hunt, home-school, holiday parties and events, things started to go awry. A few days before Christmas telltale signs appeared that something was not right with the pregnancy. I prayed and hoped things would resolve. The Monday following Christmas my midwife sent me for an ultrasound. The baby was dead. I was twelve weeks. I had feared this to be the case, but broken hearts and hopes are hard to easily mend. We asked the OB to let us go home. I didn’t want surgery. It was ten days of waiting, bleeding, and grieving before the baby passed on a cold wintry day.

January brought ski days and more snow (of course – after all we live in MONTANA!) The kids LOVE to ski and had received some Christmas money to use in that pursuit. The first ski of the season I got a call from the hill. Elijah was injured. I needed to come get him. I drove up and found him barely walking. Our orthopedic doctor friend was on the hill and saw Elijah injure himself. He did a triage type exam on the hill and said Elijah was done for the day and probably the season.

We went and saw him in his office a few days later. The initial diagnosis was torn ACL, torn medial collateral ligament and torn meniscus. We had MRI studies done; gratefully the ACL was not torn through – SO grateful for that. The other two were right on the money. Surgery was scheduled and by the first week of February Elijah was recovering from his procedure. It was weeks of limited movement and braces so the ligament could heal. He was a bear – SOOOO CRANKY!

By March I had assembled a group of local directors and we were full bore into the preparations for the Home School State Convention. Again it seemed the Lord was throwing open doors for us – the local college had an opening and made us a SCREAMING deal to use their building for the weekend. We scheduled for August and started working.

I also started a small home business making natural body care products -- Homemade soaps, lotions, salves, and scrubs – all those delightful things. It was a learning curve for me as I graduated in technique and ability but found a great company to work with in UT that helped me with my technique questions. They of course are glad to help because they sell me various products :0). It was a good, very workable solution. Zachy and I started attending Farmer’s Market in mid May. Market had been in full swing about a month but we found a space and started working every Saturday at market and then working many other days at home making products.

Tim’s brother came and spent about a week with us. I am so fortunate to have Mike as a brother-in-law. He has been extremely kind to me even before Tim married me and has continued to display love and kindness to this crazy in-law. He brought the Bronco II that Tim and I used to drive 10 years ago up for Elijah as well as a myriad of iron, wood and other things for Tim to work on the house with. In addition, Mike gave the kids SO much attention. The little ones followed him around like ducklings and he couldn’t sit down without at least one child on his lap. The older kids enjoy Uncle Mike immensely as well and between visiting, or taking lessons in welding, or iron craft, or helping Gabrielle with her garden, they kept him busy as well. After work, Tim and Mike worked on our deck and the new room Tim started for the boys under the deck. Mike rarely sits still for more than a few minutes. His hands and his mind are always working. It was a busy visit but we enjoyed every minute and hated to see him leave. Mike is a treasure in earthen vessel.

Every month our family faced a new challenge or problem or opportunity. Added to our normal schedule of home-school, Boy Scouts, animals, ConfiDance, occasional shooting competitions, taking care of the bees, holidays, birthdays, and events, and, and, and, and……. things were getting pretty crazy.

Elijah planned, submitted, and completed his Eagle Scout project. They cleaned a dump on a public hunting access -- a huge ranch that had been recently donated to the BLM. What a job! THOUSANDS of pounds of garbage, huge trailers of recyclables, items that were burned and grade restored. In the process they found an old mining shaft, which had been partially filled with garbage as well. His project was well executed and he had a lot of participation from friends and family. Later in the year, he marathoned the race and finished his requirements. His Eagle Scout merit was earned just weeks before his 18th birthday.

Elijah and Gabrielle started working as nursery groundskeepers for another home-school dad. He runs a gorgeous nursery and also a landscape design company. He is renowned for his waterfalls and his work is beautifully unique. Besides care taking things like lawns, weeding, etc at the nursery, Gabrielle started working with the nursery managers in the greenhouse and Elijah started working on the landscape crew. As much as it added to my schedule in running as neither of them are driving, it has been a super fit. They both have done exceptionally well.

Our home-school state convention was coming up quickly and numbers were not registering to pay expenses. A hard decision was made and we cancelled (I should say postponed) convention.  What a process that is! I didn’t realize how much work it would be to cancel; in truth I think it was equal to the amount of actually going through with it.

The days, weeks and months continued to fly by with our usual responsibilities and other things. We prepared for and hosted a coming of age celebration for Gabrielle. Similar to a “right-of-passage” or “debut” of days past Gabrielle spent the day receiving instruction from numerous women on various topics and we culminated the day with a big dinner for friends and family. It was a beautiful and very fabulous day celebrating my gorgeous, spectacular, fantabulous daughter.

Daddy and Nancy came out to visit and participate in Gabrielle’s celebration. We had our usual catastrophe. It seems like EVERY time Daddy visits we have one major catastrophe – this time it was a washer, which quit working the day of Gabrielle’s party. In addition, we ended up with a heavy rainstorm, which ruined our plans of an outside BBQ at our home. We couldn’t fit everyone IN the house. Always something :0)    ………… What to do? Thankfully our church is so marvelous and gracious! They opened up the church for us and we were able to move everything fairly easily to the church, which worked out perfectly.  Two of Gabrielle's good friends came and decorated for me; the fellowship hall was beautiful with floating candles and sunflowers everywhere (her favorite!!!) It was a very special day!

Daddy and Nancy left the next morning to return home. Way too short of a visit. Lots of good memories made, and of course lots of spoiling done in Daddy’s typical style. Nancy was so sweet to help with Gabrielle’s special day and go thrift store and clearance shopping with me (the only shopping I enjoy) to find some new clothes and shoes for the kid’s summer activities. It was a marvelous visit. At heart I am still a Daddy’s girl.

Early afternoon I noted Tim was late by about half an hour. He had started cycle commuting to work earlier in the spring; he should have been home. I got a call about 3:30. Tim had been in a wreck. I think I will post the details of his accident in a separate post. Some already have read them in emails, but I do want them documented here. There are several pages though of that story :)

In summary, Tim flew over the handlebars of his bike and broke three vertebrae in his neck – one break that they didn’t find until almost eight weeks after his accident because it was so close to the axis. The Lord’s hand kept his spinal column intact as well as the bones alignment. He did not require surgery, just a neck brace for a couple of months so the bones could heal solidly. The Lord took care of him and for us in the days following. He still struggles with some extents of motion, stiffness, and lack of mobility but we are so grateful. It could have been MUCH, MUCH worse. Even through this we could see God’s hand present with us.

I was grateful the home school state convention was cancelled. I would not have wanted to leave Tim just three weeks following his accident. However, we had a few speakers who still wanted to come, as they were on a speaking tour of sorts. In a quick switch, our church once again opened its doors to us and we held a mini-convention for the two speakers, three weeks following Tim’s accident, which was attended by about 40 or so home educators and students.

We had an overwhelming blessing as well in August.  It still makes my heart pause.  A lady at our church gave our family a car.  It is beautiful and fits Tim marvelously.  Probably the nicest car we have had since we have been married.  How do you respond to so much generosity?  We were so grateful to our friend and also to the Lord for providing for our family.  It gets awesome gas mileage!  When we got the call from the lot to come pick it up I cried and cried.  God is amazing and the way that his people love on us is amazing too!  SOOOO blessed and overwhelmed!

Elijah turned eighteen. Can that be possible?!?!?! Didn’t I just labor in delivery from him? Didn’t I just bring him home? His being a “Senior” has not bothered me nearly as much as knowing that he is 18. How many years will I still have him home every day? How soon will he embark on his journey, starting his own family, leaving the nest? All good things but yet another season and those bring change – good and necessary but so hard.

The seasons went flying by. Life’s toil is ever present in laundry, dishes, and home-school activities, animals, gardens, butchering, and canning. Birthdays come and go. Large and small accomplishments are achieved, struggles are worked through, moments are celebrated and life moves forward. Hunting season came again and my family was blessed with two elk and several deer.

ConfiDance held its THIRD Regalia event, this one themed for the Civil War. It was a really beautiful evening with big hoop skirts and men in Union Blue and Confederate Gray.

We added a new buck to our herd; completely huge – completely evil. He is now in the freezer. Let me tell you, there is nothing quite as exhilarating as seeing a 150+ pound male goat pull his head down and charge you with horns so big I can’t get my hands around the middle of them. Plus he was a Houdini and we couldn’t contain him in any pen or fence even with electric wire. The darn thing would wrap his horns in the electric wire, pull it loose and then just climb over the fencing. He ruined three little shed barns that Elijah built for them, and when Elijah was the pen trying to fix one he snuck up on Elijah and rammed his head. Thankfully Elijah was working on a barn corner and the shed took most of the impact. Definitely will be more careful purchasing bucks in the future.

Thanksgiving came around again and Tim’s and my 19th anniversary. Christmas came like a freight train. Enjoyable and blessed. I am working harder and harder at building memories with simplicity. How much do we really NEED in terms of stuff? I would much rather the kids share my memories of growing up, making popcorn balls with Grandma Oakley, her “cookie tree” that always was hanging with treats, caroling, and baking and simple lasting traditions of love and family. My memories were much more focused on people than things. I hope I will pass that on to my children as well. So our Christmas was simple and I loved it.

January brought us back full circle and full steam to the Home-School State Convention. We had rescheduled the August event for March, which can be iffy in Montana, but it seemed to be the preferable time. The college extended us the same offer as the year before. We were able to reengage most of the speakers, fill classes and get registrations. I worked with a FABULOUS team of local directors that had fabulous ideas and were willing to really work and get things accomplished. Convention came off pretty well – a few areas we could improve (but can’t you ALWAYS improve?) and we had about 400 people attend the convention for the weekend from across the state. A teen program ran with Generation Joshua, children’s classes with Answers in Genesis and of course awesome teaching for the parents from veteran home educators, national and international speakers including Tracy Klicka, Dan Stolebarger and Debbie Holland. The weather was perfect for the weekend. I was glad to have been a part and to be able to bless the home-school community; it is so important to me. I was also grateful for it to be finished. The work involved was overwhelming at times.

We also found out in March that we were expecting again. It is an interesting thing because I had just told my friend that I was totally at peace. I didn’t have an overwhelming desire to have any more children, nothing like that. Neither did I have a total aversion where I was saying – I AM DONE! I really was content but was content if God placed another life in our family as well. We found out the next week we were expecting. It was against the “odds”, against what the doctors had told us was probable following our last miscarriage. I pondered a lot more on the women of the Bible like Hannah and Sarah. Women that technically should not be pregnant because of their age or state of barrenness but God is the giver of life. I worried and prayed through those first weeks. If I could just get past those first twelve weeks…..I had never had a miscarriage later than that. We would be in the clear. As I neared closer my hope swelled. Doctor’s visits showed all was progressing normally and healthfully.

Excitement grew and the always-present declarations from my children started on what our new baby would be – another boy? A girl? Bets were made. Ultrasound pictures confound Bekah-boo. How could our baby be so little? She turns to me with somber eyes and asks is our baby a black baby? No, just the same as the rest of us, an ivory brown. Why do you ask? Bekah tells me solemnly “well, the picture is black”

How I forget that black and white pictures are foreign in this day and time. I hear her talking to Zachy as she runs to show him the picture of our baby – “Don’t worry; the baby looks like us, it’s just the picture that is black” Silly girl.

We started preparing for our new arrival in November. KJ shows me how gently he will hold our new baby and then tells me he can’t wait to dance with her (he has already decided it’s a girl) and he spins around wildly with his hands cupped together still “holding” our baby as he twirls.

The Pregnancy Resource Center held its annual fund-raiser. I ended up working with another home school mom to organize the waiters/waitresses. All volunteers. A team of 69 youth came from the home school community, private schools, the Catholic Youth League and other pro-life families and churches. Terri and I went through the plan she had found; it was very workable and so we served. The restaurant that catered said we did well – 600 plates out in 20 minutes. I was pleased to get to serve and pleased that the youth did so well.

More doctor’s appts., chores, school, and work take place in the last weeks. I started back to Farmer’s Market with my “partner”.

Zachariah has not missed one week of market; he is knowledgeable of our products, friendly, and so darn cute :) He helps me set the booth every week. I don’t know what I would do without his help. So far we have done okay. Market started slow with Montana’s unpredictable weather. The first week was rainy so I didn’t go. The second week Zachy and I spent the day holding our canopy down because the leg weights were not keeping it on the ground. I do enjoy meeting such a wide variety of people and the Lord has given us new friendships in some of the other vendors. It has been a good experience overall. My etsy shop is plugging along as well. A few sales here and there, just enough to keep me involved in it. Hopefully we will become a more frequented seller over time.

I started back to my walking and dieting, trying to keep my weight down for our pregnancy. Not too fast yet – three miles in about 50 minutes every day. I was doing better but I did just get back to it. We’ll see how I improve in the next weeks.

Friday (May 25) the signs told a grievous story again. Something was desperately wrong. I worried and prayed. Things waxed and waned. I tried to handle market but between the rain, the wind, and my worry we lasted only two hours. We packed up and came home. Things progressed and I called my doctor. She sent me to the hospital. The first test came and the silence echoed in cold, sterile walls. No heartbeat. There is little worse than that overwhelming silence. My little pumpkin lay perfectly still, not at all the busy body I had seen four weeks ago waving hands at us and kicking feet.

Another tech, another machine, another technique. Again silence. Again there is stillness. No life remains. The doctor evaluates and says it looks like the baby was lost ten days or two weeks prior. They send for blood work. All I can do is weep.

Broken and bleeding.

I have had people tell me before, it can’t be that bad. It’s not like the baby was born and held and loved. I so strongly disagree. With each of our miscarriages (this is our fourth at 8+ weeks), it has been a loss of a family member. Our babies are born at conception, long before they are delivered. They are held by my body and by my heart until the Lord delivers them from me. They are loved from those first moments. As I lay in the hospital bed, there is a palpable grief. It is all I can do not to release primal cries of anguish. It is “that bad”.

Tim whispers the words of David from 2 Samuel. “Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me ." We shall return to our child in due time. The Lord will restore our child in His day.

Surgery is recommended. Anything past twelve weeks is risky. I am 16 weeks and even if the measurements are correct a 14-15 week delivery can be more difficult. Tim and I decline surgery; I want the baby to come naturally. Precautions are given; we come home.

Judah meets me at the door to ask about his baby. I cry as I tell him the baby is gone. The heart stopped beating. He starts to cry and turns away. Bekah starts to weep and climbs into my lap. KJ keeps asking again and again – our baby is dead? I wanted to dance with our baby. I can’t answer; I just weep.

I have spent the last few days weeping, sleeping, waiting……..

The doctor says it can take a couple of weeks. I pray for mercy.

There is no “safe” time. Nothing in this life is guaranteed or assured. 16 weeks is not a promise, even 40 weeks is not a promise. I know two friends who delivered their baby at term to go home with empty arms, the full work of their labor, deliveries with that silence of death, swollen breasts that have no one to take the life they offer. Broken hearts….

I have been working through a study called Faith in the Night Seasons. It reaffirms what I know. This pilgrimage is not the end. Our purpose as we traverse here is intimacy with Christ. The dark night of the soul is the passage to that intimacy where our character changes and we become like Christ. Our faith is the key through. Charles Spurgeon, Oswald Chambers and so many pillars of the faith reaffirm this is normal and necessary. And so as I wait I ponder…..

It is a teaching that people don’t like. Our culture wants to focus on the promises that were given to us. It IS true --- THOSE PROMISES ARE OURS. To acknowledge that we will face trials, that seasons will stretch us, that we will lose and have things stripped from us does not nullify God’s promises. They are true, and HE is good. None of that changes.

However, just like the seasons of the earth where we have times of budding and blooming, we see the new leaves bursting from swollen casings; we have times where the air is heavy with fragrance and you can’t imagine anything sweeter. We have times of abundance where the harvest is great, and we have seasons where it is barren and desolate – where nothing seems to be fruitful or good.

Yet it is in that season --- that barren, desolate, dark time where work is still accomplished. In that season of dormancy from the outside where there is no leaf, there is no bud or bloom, no fruit --- the tree is found STILL AT PEACE. The weather rages, the wind bites and screams but the tree settles and strengthens. In the spring as the ground is warmed by the sun and gentle rains the tree once again sends forth tender shoots from those that have been hardened by a year of changing seasons. It grows; the roots deepen and it becomes more fruitful. What if the entire tree were just green shoots? It would not be strong enough to hold the fruit. It would be more susceptible to disease and pestilence. It would not stand strong in the storms. The seasons that harden and strengthen the branches are what allow the tree to grow and send forth those new shoots.

When I started reflection, the last ten years have been a night season for our family. God has been merciful to me through it. I know of people who have had all their pruning and stripping in a short span of time – months or just a couple of years. The pressure was intense and did not relent. They walked through the valley of the shadow of death and kept just walking.

God knows my heart – too tender, too weak. In His mercy our season has been longer but it has not been relentless. We have suffered and been in the fire but He comes alongside us and shows us His faithfulness before He again takes up the pruning shears.

Here again I face a loss, a tragedy. There have been so many in the last two years, and even more struggles in the last ten but I know that He has filtered it. I have not been given more than I can handle although I will confess I am stretched to where I don’t feel I can take anymore. The study facilitator said in her work – things can be replaced; it is the things of our soul that are hard to replace – the dreams, the hopes, the people…

My family is in that season of life that is barren. I feel the emptiness in the pit of my stomach, in the breaking of my heart, the fissures of my soul – it seems so desolate and harsh. As I laid on the couch weeping I heard the scripture speak from John.

Peter resonates so strongly with me – I am probably a good female version of his personality -- impetuous, quick to act and slow to think, too quick to speak, passionate but not always purposeful. Christ had spoken a hard word and many disciples had “walked with him no more”. They had left him. Christ asks his twelve – do you also want to go away? I hear my heart cry out – in the words of Peter – Lord to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.

So here I am……….. Still waiting but knowing that it is only through Christ. He is my only hope -- The hope of this life and the hope of eternity.

I would covet your prayers for our family in this season – prayers for mercy as I wait and safety as I deliver. Please also pray for our faith. I am ready for a spring full of blossoms, fragrance, and renewal. I will hope and trust that our spring is coming.

More importantly than the end of this season however, is that when we come to the end of this night season we are still clinging to the Father, closer to Him, full of more of His character – that this long dark night has accomplished its purpose in our hearts and spirits. It is my heart’s desire that I see in my children the work of the Lord, that they are walking with Him, dwelling with Him, and that this pilgrimage has only worked to strengthen their faith in Christ. It also is my heart’s desire that the ugly threads that are being worked into the picture of my life will bring forth His purpose and that I will be yielded to His work.

There is a song I have wanted to sing in this barren season……. I hope I can do it without crying at some point. It speaks the same words…….. I will have to see if I can figure out how to post it.

My choice is made -- Lord to whom would I go?
                  Even when I cannot see your face; I know I am held in your embrace.
                 You are my God.